Meine Klein Welt

Grief is Sneaky…So is Healing

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My sweet friend Margie encouraged me to join an amazing photography challenge sponsored by My Four Hens Photography. The challenge is to take one photo each week for an entire year. Each week has a theme, and last week’s theme was “Part of Me.” I toyed around with a few ideas before I landed on this picture:

004 {Part of Me}

 

I love this picture for a lot of reasons.

It has Matt in it. He is my whole heart, and he is more amazing to me every day.

It has Miss M. in it. She is my whole heart, and she is more amazing to me every day.

It has Madeleine it. She is my whole heart, and she is missed every day.

 

You see, we chose to have Madeleine’s ashes buried at sea. It gave us both comfort to think that no matter where the Lord may lead us, we will always be able to find our way to water. For those days when grief rises up and we need to sit awhile, to remember her, we will always be able to find water. Taking photos of my family at the ocean gives me a feeling of a complete picture. They are all there.

Here’s the crazy thing. This has been one of those weeks. One of the times when the grief sneaks in and clenches my throat and springs tears at the most inopportune times. AND THEN, God. My sweet Lord who sees my heart and hears my cries, gave me this: In Solemn Ceremony, Duo Carries Out Sacred Burials at Sea for Those Too Easily Forgotten. My dear and precious friend, Lara, wrote this article about the people who scatter the ashes. The people who held our little girl for the last time. One of the things that has tugged at my heart is the wonder. I have wondered if the ones who had this honor, if they knew how sacred it was, if they handled her tenderly. Now I know. Now I have this gift, this answer, this healing piece.

The tears are flowing pretty freely now, but in such a good way. Healing tears. Not the last, I’m sure, but, oh the burden they are lifting.

Always Grace

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Seven years ago, on a Thanksgiving Day, I made one of the best decisions of my life when Matt and I decided to give this relationship thing a go. In the years since then, we have had some amazing experiences and blessings that have us shouting hallelujahs toward heaven. We have also had some heartaches that brought us face to the ground in brokenness. Always grace.

Shortly after we were married we started trying to build a family. For four years we rode the roller coaster of fertility treatments, pregnancy, and loss. Four miscarriages. Never a “viable” embryo. We decided that the best decision for our family was to stop the fertility treatments. My body was exhausted and our hearts were worn thin. We were told that without the extra help of fertility drugs, there was a less than 1% chance of us becoming pregnant. So much grief. Always grace.

Then, in June of 2012, two weeks before we were to move back to the US, a positive pregnancy test. We headed to the doctor with discussions about the inaccuracies of statistics and percentages. We knew what was going to happen, because we knew what always happens when we get pregnant. As the doctor began the ultrasound he turned to us with tears and said, “Do you see that?” A heartbeat. Amazing grace.

In October of that year we found out we were having a little girl. Our Madeleine Grace. In November we had a doctor’s appointment to check on a concern with her spine. As the doctor started the ultrasound, we knew immediately. No heartbeat. Our Maddie went to meet her Jesus. Grief beyond measure. Always grace.

This I know – our deepest grief is not beyond the reach of God’s redemptive hand. In this last year, I have asked the Lord to show me the redemption he’s working through our loss. His answer has been mighty. It has been gentle. It has been loving. And it has been, always, grace.

This morning, on Thanksgiving Day, I woke up to the most beautiful, most precious answer the Lord has given me to my prayers. The sounds of a brand new life. Matt and I are fostering a sweet little baby girl. She came to us yesterday at just a week and a half old. She came into this world immediately experiencing tremendous grief and great loss. The kind of grief and loss that only the Lord can redeem. I cannot wait to journey through life with her. I cannot wait to rejoice in the good and hold her tight through the bad. I cannot wait to see her meet Jesus. I cannot wait for her to learn that it is all, always grace.