Meine Klein Welt

When Your Heart is Tugged in Two

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hands frame

 This journey. We are learning so much. Growing so much.

This tiny one who holds our hands and stares into our eyes – she has stolen our hearts. Fully.

Foster care is a strange beast. It is born of tragedy, but it has the potential to turn the ashes of that tragedy into great beauty. The struggle is that no matter the end result, someone wins and someone loses. One set of parents will raise and love and know this beautiful girl. One set of parents will have to say good-bye.

Bigger than that, our little one loses something in this. No matter what, part of her little heart will be broken. No matter how this turns out she has been born into loss. No little loss this. Huge loss. Soul-touching loss. Because no matter what happens, she loses one set of parents. This is what brings me to my knees. This is what brings me to cry out to the Father on her behalf. To cry out for soul-deep healing that only he can provide.

Our hope is to be able to adopt. Our hope is to bring little Miss M. into our family. She is already our daughter for now and forever regardless of whether she leaves us one day to reunite with her birth family. I guess that’s kind of the way family works. Once you’re in, you’re in for life.

Here’s my burden. I love this little girl. I love her parents. I want good things for them. I want health and stability for them. I want hope for them. I want all good things for them because they are hers, forever. More than that, they are children of the King. They are loved by God, and they are beautiful in His sight.

This is what tugs my heart in two each and every day. I desperately want good and beautiful things for Miss M.’s parents. I desperately want her to be ours forever. How does a heart deal with such conflicting desires? How does one pray when your prayers seem to contradict one another? For now, I pray what is on my heart and ask the Lord to weed out any selfishness. I ask him to make Miss M. the winner.

Parenthood: Week One

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bottles

It’s been one week. One week since this precious baby girl came into our family. One week since our hearts were changed forever. Praise be to God!

Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

  • Daddies are important. Crazy, out of this world, important.
  • Love at first sight is a real and true thing.
  • Constipation can make everybody cry.
  • Praying without ceasing is not only possible, it is, in fact, a necessity.
  • Baby snores are A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E.
  • We are well-loved by amazing people who can accomplish great things, quite literally, overnight.
  • My husband has no self-control when it comes to shopping in the baby department.
  • The days with our children pass far too quickly. Already. Far too quickly.
  • Showers, getting dressed, and cleaning house are all overrated. Brushing your teeth is not.
  • Googling “baby poop” is something people do. Some people. Apparently.
  • Our little one does not like being naked. At all. Ever.
  • Every day is grace.

“I will give thanks to You, for [this tiny one is] fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.” – Psalm 193:14 paraphrased

Always Grace

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Seven years ago, on a Thanksgiving Day, I made one of the best decisions of my life when Matt and I decided to give this relationship thing a go. In the years since then, we have had some amazing experiences and blessings that have us shouting hallelujahs toward heaven. We have also had some heartaches that brought us face to the ground in brokenness. Always grace.

Shortly after we were married we started trying to build a family. For four years we rode the roller coaster of fertility treatments, pregnancy, and loss. Four miscarriages. Never a “viable” embryo. We decided that the best decision for our family was to stop the fertility treatments. My body was exhausted and our hearts were worn thin. We were told that without the extra help of fertility drugs, there was a less than 1% chance of us becoming pregnant. So much grief. Always grace.

Then, in June of 2012, two weeks before we were to move back to the US, a positive pregnancy test. We headed to the doctor with discussions about the inaccuracies of statistics and percentages. We knew what was going to happen, because we knew what always happens when we get pregnant. As the doctor began the ultrasound he turned to us with tears and said, “Do you see that?” A heartbeat. Amazing grace.

In October of that year we found out we were having a little girl. Our Madeleine Grace. In November we had a doctor’s appointment to check on a concern with her spine. As the doctor started the ultrasound, we knew immediately. No heartbeat. Our Maddie went to meet her Jesus. Grief beyond measure. Always grace.

This I know – our deepest grief is not beyond the reach of God’s redemptive hand. In this last year, I have asked the Lord to show me the redemption he’s working through our loss. His answer has been mighty. It has been gentle. It has been loving. And it has been, always, grace.

This morning, on Thanksgiving Day, I woke up to the most beautiful, most precious answer the Lord has given me to my prayers. The sounds of a brand new life. Matt and I are fostering a sweet little baby girl. She came to us yesterday at just a week and a half old. She came into this world immediately experiencing tremendous grief and great loss. The kind of grief and loss that only the Lord can redeem. I cannot wait to journey through life with her. I cannot wait to rejoice in the good and hold her tight through the bad. I cannot wait to see her meet Jesus. I cannot wait for her to learn that it is all, always grace.

Time Flies When You’re Having Fun!

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Whoa! I cannot believe it’s been almost two months since we’ve blogged. What is it about summer that makes us do such a poor job of keeping this thing going? Oh yeah, we’re so busy having fun that we just don’t have time. 🙂 Here are some of the things that have been keeping us busy over the last couple of months:

 

Visiting Family

Hangin' in Philly

Visiting Magical Places

Visiting Dear Friends

Driving from Seattle to Idyllwild

Training for a Marathon

Celebrating Three Years

You can see A LOT more pictures of our adventures here: American Summer Tour 2011

Benjamin Klein Update

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ben_dadAfter a week of being on and off a feeding tube, my nephew, Benjamin Thomas Klein was able to come home Sunday to some very anxious parents and grandparents.

At the time he went home he weighed 5 lbs. 12 oz. and was 20 inches long.

Thank you for your prayers.